Thank you Jimmy Fallon

Took a break for a while from dating...started up again about a month ago.
I swear to God I am not making this shit up.
I spoke with a man on email for several weeks and I finally said...WTF Dude, shit or get off the pot..do you want to meet or are you looking for a pen pal?  Here's what I really said, "Would like like to meet for coffee one day this week?"  We picked a day and time and 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet, the phone rings.  "Mary (so cool that he got my name right) you are not gonna believe this.  I'm so sorry but I can't meet you tonight.  I'm so embarrassed. I bit into an apple and my implant came out.  It's in the front and I don't want to meet you for the first time with a missing tooth.
Just say you're a chicken shit baby and don't have the balls to meet me in person.  That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard.  Here's what I really said "Oh wow, are you OK?  It's alright, I understand..Yeah yeah, it's a first impression I know"  He then got very chatty and we didn't hang up for about 2 hours.  He was funny and interesting and we seemed to have a lot in common.  To make a long story short he pussy footed around (ha ha he never touched me) with texts and emails for another few weeks. "I can't get it touch with my dentist.  I can't take the time away from work to get it fixed" I finally told him there's a class of fourth graders in Naraoibi who would love to chat with him on email.  I have better things to do. Here's what I really said, "Good Luck. Hope you find what you're looking for"  I sent it on a text.  A little nasty no?  Too fucking bad. He was shocked. "What?? Oh wow.  Didn't see that one coming" Poor thing was toothless and blind.
I go back to the drawing board and get a wink from a "family man" He is the complete opposite of toothy boy.  One email, then he sends me his cell # and wants to meet for coffee.  Now that's what I'm talking about!  He's very polite on the phone.  We chat briefly and set up a time to meet that day.  I barely shower, wear every day clothes, figure I'll brush my teeth to be super nice.  (I'm so sick of spending time and energy on primping and preening for dick heads.)  He texts that he's on his way. Again to say he's there. Very prompt and thoughtful, but I remind myself of all the other disappointing meet and greets I've been to. He walks in about 30 seconds after me and he's hotter than July...tall, dark hair, slim, beautiful eyes, great smile, dressed impeccably.  Please God, did I remember to put on deoderant because I'm sweating just looking at him.  He says hello and tells me how beautiful I am and that my picture doesn't do me justice. I swallow hard and pretend I'm not salivating and that people constantly say things like that to me.  As we chat he proceeds to go through every physical feature I have to say how perfect I am those eyes, the smile, the dimples, oh my look at those legs, even said how he really liked small boobs.  Looking back, I think man what a bullshitter.  The boob comment should have been the big tip off right?  But at that moment I was lost in a cloud of pheremone bliss.  Not only was he gorgeous, he thought I was too.  He told me he wanted to fall in love and have a relationship in between his gushings about my beautiful model like qualities.   So get this, when I turned down his suggestion that we go back to my house for sex, his handsome physique hustled itself away from me faster than lightening.
I have two friends to thank.  First my buddy Oprah, who wrote in last's month's O mag about always listening to that voice inside.  While I was floating away from all reason and rationality as he went on and on about how stunning I am, I could hear someone deep down saying,  Mary, of course you're stunning. And way too pretty and smart for Mr GQ. Give him the heave ho and move on.  He was so dumb!  He could have wooed me for a little longer than it takes to sip a latte and he probably would've scored. Thank God he didn't  read O's issue on patience.
So that afternoon I'm food shopping, mulling over the dismal state of the dating world and I hang a sharp right into the ice cream aisle. This leads to my second thank you. A big yellow sticker says SALE and a smaller one on the carton says new flavor inspired by Jimmy Fallon.   Are you ready?  Vanilla bean ice cream with a caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusters.  The ever most perfect combination of salty sweet creamy heaven...almost as lovely as my small boobs.

I Love Baseball

These dating stories aren't funny anymore.  They're depressing.  Baseball is not. Baseball is awesome. It's full of young good looking men who are usually in good shape.  Games last for at least 3 hours, sometimes more.  It's bright and colorful, all on a nice kelly green background. Sometimes it's full of hits and lots of run scored. There's home runs and men running around the bases and sometimes even stealing them.  I love the crack of the bat and the sound of the crowd. I love that it's quiet and calm and the announcers talk about inane statistics until they get all excited about a hit. It's all lulls and bursts of excitement.  Other times it's a pitchers duel. Lots of called third strikes and hitters arguing with the ump about calls.  It's very subdued and quiet, but every pitch is fascinating and the tension builds with every batter who tries to smash one out and break up the monotony.  I love that there are errors..I can't think of another sport that actually charges a player with an error.  I love accountability.  And they wear belts..I can't think of any other sport where they wear belts...why do they?  Or why doesn't any other sport wear them?
I love all the inane statistics.  None of it really matters and I don't remember any of it, but it's fun to listen to and pretend you'll use it in a future conversation.  It's so relaxing to watch baseball.  You feel like you're relaxing with a beer even if you're not. The season is sooo long and there are games almost every day.  You don't have to wait 'til the weekend.  Since the season is so long, the wins and losses don't really matter til about halfway through the season.  It's so fun and so not depressing.  Go Sox...  I love baseball.

Define "control freak"

I cannot stand that it's out of my control...
If I want something (within reason) I get it.  I work harder or I save money or I reach out to the people who can help me.  I make plans, I rearrange my schedule, I give up something to gain something else.  I'm not inflexible.  I can wait or sacrifice or think outside the box. (as long as I've just had coffee)  But now I'm realizing that there is absolutely no way to control this.  Yeah yeah I know, nothing is in our control, just let things happen and everything will fall into place and it will all be the way it's supposed to be....blah blah blah...I tried that this winter...I lay on the couch watching The Bachelor with chocolate and wine and nothing happened  to make "everything fall into place the way it's supposed to be"  My pants got tighter.  The Bachelor ended.  Thank God baseball started.
Get this....after deleting every email that came in from the Plenty of  Whackos dating website I'm on,  I spent a good part of last weekend organizing my sock drawer. Yep that's right...my sock drawer.  I paired them off and sorted them by color and type.  I threw out panty hose with rips and holes that I "saved" to wear with long skirts. wtf? My sister gave me this great tip...pair off your socks and pin them together...leave the pin on when you wear them, then pin them  again when you take them off to wash them and you won't won't lose them!!! So brilliant!!!
I actually looked forward to doing this.  It was #1 on my list of things to do for the weekend.  I put on music and sorted and pinned and tossed...so creepy right?   When I was done I felt so proud of myself for finishing and doing such a beautiful job. It was so gratifying to open the drawer and see all that neatness and orderliness...just how I like things to be.  Like a serial killer who lines up all the mementos from his victims.  :-)
No, I really don't think I have control issues.

BK Boy

I had a few conversations with BK Boy on the phone and he seemed ok.  He lived nearby and loved kids.  Two big checks in his favor.  It's really hard to get a true sense of someone until you do the face to face, so I agreed to one.  A friend who was in the same post divorce dating boat gave me excellent advice early on.  Always meet in a public place and make it a drink for the first meeting..nothing worse than being stuck eating a whole meal with someone you know you're not interested in. Lots of people have  offered to call or text me while on on these meet and greets in case I need to be saved.  Never been a big fan of that.  It seems so icky and a little cowardly.  Honesty is always the best approach, right?  Ha! Ok so we set it up to meet at the food court of the local mall near a coffee place.  I'm walking through, scanning the people wandering around...and then I spot him...He's wearing those big baggy shorts that sit way low on his hips and the hem reaches just above his ankle, a t-shirt, and a huge chain dangling down to his stomach with a cross banging around at the end of it.  He lied about his age cuz he looked like he was about 12.  Awesome...a freak whose got a Mommy thing...  I pretended I didn't recognize him and kept walking...Maybe he wouldn't recognize me!  I'll just keep going and walk around the outside of the mall to get back to my car!  "Hey" he called out, "it's you! (still not Lisa) Wow you look real nice...real hot"
I think to myself.... go to plan B... Just sit for a minute and get the hell out.
"Hey you want to get dinner?" BK Boy says, "I ain't eaten all day" Coffee! I scream in my head...we agreed to meet for coffee!
 "Oh no, I really can't"  I stammer, "I uh...
"I'm friggin starvin" he interrupts patting his crucifix, "I'm gonna grab me a quick bite over here, ya mind?"
He heads to Burger King and I go sit down pissed off that I actually spent time figuring out what to wear.
He returns shortly with his royal bag of goodies and I ask him what toy he got.  Went right over his head.  "Huh?" he grunted with chunks of burger sloshing around in his half open mouth.  After a few minutes of the most pointless excruciating conversation I've ever had in my life, I rear my honest head and say "You know what, you seem like a really nice person (OK yes sometimes I lie), but I don't feel any connection between us so I'm going to get going.  It was very nice to meet you."  I put my hand out to shake and say good bye.  He leaves my hand hanging in mid air.
 "Nah...you are just blockin what we got here.  I think you are really scared and you are totally just blockin me off", he says with his hands making wild gestures of blockage in front of his blasphemous jewelry.  How many times was I going to have to reject this poor child before he got the message?!  I was adamant about our lack of connection and finally got up to walk away.  He just sat there shaking his head like I just missed the opportunity of a lifetime.
I've never used the "save me" text/phone call.  I'm pretty quick at sizing up the situation and saying my piece.  It always stuns me that some men actually argue with me.  If someone told me right off the bat that they were not feelin it, I would absolutely agree whether I agreed with him or not. (Yes sometimes lying is the right thing to do, stop picking apart everything I say)   Why would you argue?  I just rejected you,  don't make me do it again... with more detail.
 Maybe I should stop being honest and try "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry, I have to go...my friend Lisa just called and her dog is throwing up, like 4 times already and her husband is at work and he's not answering his phone and she gets soooo mad cuz he NEVER answers his phone and her car won't start and the dog is actually pregnant so throwing up when you're pregnant is really bad if you're a dog so I have to go to her house and let her take my car to bring the dog to the vet and I have to stay at her house and watch her son because he's on crutches because he fell out of a tree last week and broke both his legs and it's really a pain for him to get in and out of the car with the crutches and everything soooo....it was so nice to meet you bye!"  He'll have all the details he'll ever need and I'll be free as a bird.

Weeding

The more I do this, the more complicated it becomes.
When I started I was a heavy weeder.  If I was online, my finger hovered over the delete key...writes too much, delete,  writes too little, delete...too much hair, not enough hair, no kids, likes Chinese food, into sumo wrestling and Nascar..delete, delete, delete. I met a few men, but no one lasted past a month or two...most didn't get past the initial meeting. So time goes by and I have have nada...not even a possibility of a relationship. I take a little break to regroup.  I do nice things for myself like long runs, pedicures, weekends away with the girls.  I think, maybe I'm too good at weeding.  Maybe I have to be more open.  I shouldn't be so picky..overlook a few things and I'll find what I'm looking for with just some careful pruning maybe.

I started out again a few weeks ago on a new dating site and told myself to be less discriminating.....
Here's what's happened so far..

One man I met seemed funny and clever on line, but turned out to be obnoxious and overbearing in person.  "Whatsa mattah?  How come you're not laughing?  I'm funny! Everyone tells me I'm funny," he assured me. Yuck.

 Another one called to confirm our meeting time and said "Hello Lisa"  Guess what? I'm not Lisa.

And another was so short I could see the top of his head when we both got off the barstools. At a whopping 5'3" I should not be looking at the top of any man's head....on a first date.

So maybe my weeding is not the problem.  Maybe it's the garden I'm choosing from or maybe I need to give it more time...it's only been a few weeks.

Spring is coming...new flowers popping up and all...

How 'bout someone just give Bruce my number?

Let's Get It Started

I know there are others out there like me in the dating world...I feel like Peter Frampton "I can't believe this is happening to me."... but not in a good way. lol  I know I'm not alone in this.  Does any of this sound familiar to you?
 I've been on the market for a kind decent intelligent man for about 4 years. (handsome and fit would not be turned away)  I've been on line, met friends of friends, gone to bars, joined running clubs, spoken with random strangers at the supermarket, asked lots of questions of lovely retired gentleman wearing orange bibs at Home Depot... and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Oh the stories... you just can't make this stuff up.  I don't know where to begin...Here are some choice email tidbits
 from "Tall Dark and Handsome"  I am a strong alpha black man who loves sex and wants to bring my woman to the dark side....
from GoldMan.. I want a deep lasting relationship with a caring woman...please only blonds, I hate redheads and no long back and forth on the email...I'm not looking for a penpal...
from Kind and Open in PA...hello   (I'm not kidding...that's all...just ...hello)
Maybe it's the teacher in me but for God's sake soccer is not spelled socker,  it's the Red Sox..not Socks, and there is not a pronoun.
That's it for now, I need some ice cream or maybe popcorn... I'll  keep posting stories and experiences and whatever else pops in my mind.