Took a break for a while from dating...started up again about a month ago.
I swear to God I am not making this shit up.
I spoke with a man on email for several weeks and I finally said...WTF Dude, shit or get off the pot..do you want to meet or are you looking for a pen pal? Here's what I really said, "Would like like to meet for coffee one day this week?" We picked a day and time and 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet, the phone rings. "Mary (so cool that he got my name right) you are not gonna believe this. I'm so sorry but I can't meet you tonight. I'm so embarrassed. I bit into an apple and my implant came out. It's in the front and I don't want to meet you for the first time with a missing tooth.
Just say you're a chicken shit baby and don't have the balls to meet me in person. That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Here's what I really said "Oh wow, are you OK? It's alright, I understand..Yeah yeah, it's a first impression I know" He then got very chatty and we didn't hang up for about 2 hours. He was funny and interesting and we seemed to have a lot in common. To make a long story short he pussy footed around (ha ha he never touched me) with texts and emails for another few weeks. "I can't get it touch with my dentist. I can't take the time away from work to get it fixed" I finally told him there's a class of fourth graders in Naraoibi who would love to chat with him on email. I have better things to do. Here's what I really said, "Good Luck. Hope you find what you're looking for" I sent it on a text. A little nasty no? Too fucking bad. He was shocked. "What?? Oh wow. Didn't see that one coming" Poor thing was toothless and blind.
I go back to the drawing board and get a wink from a "family man" He is the complete opposite of toothy boy. One email, then he sends me his cell # and wants to meet for coffee. Now that's what I'm talking about! He's very polite on the phone. We chat briefly and set up a time to meet that day. I barely shower, wear every day clothes, figure I'll brush my teeth to be super nice. (I'm so sick of spending time and energy on primping and preening for dick heads.) He texts that he's on his way. Again to say he's there. Very prompt and thoughtful, but I remind myself of all the other disappointing meet and greets I've been to. He walks in about 30 seconds after me and he's hotter than July...tall, dark hair, slim, beautiful eyes, great smile, dressed impeccably. Please God, did I remember to put on deoderant because I'm sweating just looking at him. He says hello and tells me how beautiful I am and that my picture doesn't do me justice. I swallow hard and pretend I'm not salivating and that people constantly say things like that to me. As we chat he proceeds to go through every physical feature I have to say how perfect I am those eyes, the smile, the dimples, oh my look at those legs, even said how he really liked small boobs. Looking back, I think man what a bullshitter. The boob comment should have been the big tip off right? But at that moment I was lost in a cloud of pheremone bliss. Not only was he gorgeous, he thought I was too. He told me he wanted to fall in love and have a relationship in between his gushings about my beautiful model like qualities. So get this, when I turned down his suggestion that we go back to my house for sex, his handsome physique hustled itself away from me faster than lightening.
I have two friends to thank. First my buddy Oprah, who wrote in last's month's O mag about always listening to that voice inside. While I was floating away from all reason and rationality as he went on and on about how stunning I am, I could hear someone deep down saying, Mary, of course you're stunning. And way too pretty and smart for Mr GQ. Give him the heave ho and move on. He was so dumb! He could have wooed me for a little longer than it takes to sip a latte and he probably would've scored. Thank God he didn't read O's issue on patience.
So that afternoon I'm food shopping, mulling over the dismal state of the dating world and I hang a sharp right into the ice cream aisle. This leads to my second thank you. A big yellow sticker says SALE and a smaller one on the carton says new flavor inspired by Jimmy Fallon. Are you ready? Vanilla bean ice cream with a caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusters. The ever most perfect combination of salty sweet creamy heaven...almost as lovely as my small boobs.
